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You Might Be a Chicago Dog Guardian If…
- You use the word “guardian” because your neighbors have corrected you multiple times. Dogs are family, not property. You no longer dare to utter “owner”.
- More than a few times, you have dragged your sniffling, coughing, achy body out of bed to walk your dog because you live on the third floor, and have no yard.
- You waved at your neighbor and she looked at you, perplexed. Then, you realized when you brought your sick self back into the house that you were wearing an “I love my Visla t-shirt”, yellow polka dot pajama pants, and bright pink rain boots that she probably did not recognize you. Or, she was too embarrassed to acknowledge she knew you.
- Your dog can walk past jackhammers, 100s of school children, runners, scooters, whizzing buses; even a horse and carriage. But, the sight of a mylar balloon floating down the sidewalk sends him running for cover as his hackles raise and he looks over his shoulder growling at the viscous beast.
- The day you mastered the art of holding your leash, dog treats, a bag of poop AND your travel coffee mug; you considered it the best day EVER!
- There was a time you thought hiring a dog trainer was out of your budget but after you spent $500 on chew toys and various contraptions to teach your dog to not yank you down the street; you ended up with scraped knees and a destroyed couch. Then, you decided to find a dog trainer anyway.
- While picking up after your own dog, you have stepped in someone else’s dog poop. And, you have used flattened soda cans or receipts to scoop up feces because you ran out of bags. Bags that you now buy, because you have accidentally stuck your finger through the hole of recycled grocery store bags way too many times.
- You have yelled at people for leaving their dog’s poop on SOMEONE ELSE’S lawn.
- EVERY DAY, you pass the same person; no matter what route you take and chant “DUDE, GET YOUR DOG” while they chat on their phone, trailing their off-leash pup. You spent precious money and time training your dog to not want to eat dogs while out on a walk. Then, you worry about the other dog’s safety the whole way home.
- You secretly love 40 degree weather, and rainy days because you can let your dog run after his squeaky balls at the Rogers Park beach or tennis courts without being yelled at yourself for ignoring the “no dogs allowed” signs.
- When you visit friends or family with back yards; your dog stands at the door, confused because he’s never been outside without you before.
- You take a trip to a remote cabin with your dog and he barks half the night at the sounds of vermin under the porch. But, when slurred philosophical conversations from one of the five bars on your street keep YOU awake all night long during the two weeks each year you can actually sleep with your bedroom windows open; your dog’s snoring does not miss a beat.
- The new guy at the dog park is always obvious because he attempts to keep talking while the El rattles overhead and everyone else resembles retail store mannequins until the train has passed.
- You know 20 dogs’ names, what they eat, and whether they are friendly or not. But, if you were forced to introduce the person holding their leashes; you would scratch your head trying to think of their names.
- Eight people have keys to your house to pick up your dog for daycare or take him for a walk while you are away; but, crossing the street with your pup is the scariest activity in your day.
- You have banged your fists on a car hood or raised your hands in the air when a car raced through a stop sign as you attempted make your way through a crosswalk with your dog.
- When your dog “woofs” JUST ONCE at someone outside the window, you panic that your association will fine you. And, you have made peace with the fact that you have to wait 20 minutes for the freight elevator or walk your dog down the back stairs and through the disgusting alley to exit your “dog friendly” apartment building.
- You understand the unspoken rule that all dog business needs to be conducted on the parkway; not your neighbor’s 2 x 3 patch of lawn. Yet, you are startled when he stops to say hello and pet your dog rather than yell at you for having a dog because so many others have left their dog’s poop for him to clean up.
- You are a nice person but realize after reading this that you get frustrated A LOT when out for a walk with your dog. So, you google “dog friendly housing in Portland, OR”. Maybe in Portland, there’s not a secret society of people who refuse to pick up after their dog the second there’s an inch of snow on the ground?