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Choose Love

Choose Love

Choose Love

Mabel was stretched out beside me, snoring, while I slowly stroked her side and enjoyed my coffee. I was feeling overwhelmingly grateful for Mabel’s morning sleepiness. I can knock out at least a couple hours of work before my funny, frisky girl is ready to romp, race, and roll through the day.

Then, I felt the lump. “No,” I thought, “I’m still waking up,” I rubbed near Mabel’s left rib again. The bump was there. I wasn’t imagining the knot. Waves of fear came crashing towards me. Trauma that I thought I’d tended to, processed, and grieved over Gavin’s cancer, cancer, cancer, and more cancer overtook my whole being. I let tears fall and allowed myself a few minutes to think, “My heart can’t take this.”

While I waited for Mabl’s veterinarian appointment, I found not one but two more lumps. I vacillated between optimism because she came to me with a sizable benign cyst on her back, deep denial, and fighting the urge to fret, lose sleep, and miss the so many marvelous moments I have in a day with my sweet, silly girl.

The weather started beautiful and sunny on the day of Mabel’s appointment. She went to Sasha’s house while I went to the kitchen and stopped by my mom’s house to pick up supplies. That’s when I shared the news and asked my always-positive-in-a-cheery-mood mom for lucky and healthy vibes. And, because I’m not the only one my mom loves with potentially not-good news looming, I said, for the sake of not burdening the best mom in the world, “I’m choosing love.” 

While driving, switching between projects, and talking with my team the rest of the day, I silently said, “I choose love.” When I traipsed up Sasha’s walkway, I thought, “I choose love.” As Mabel and I sprinted through torrential downpours to see Dr. Wildman, I mentally chanted, “I choose love.”

Mere hours later, the veterinarian technician called. Not one but all of Mabel’s lumps are just cysts, and while none of the bumps restrict Mabel’s antics, they’re all in areas accessible to remove if they were to grow and affect my sweet girl’s quality of life. Words can’t describe my relief. I rejoiced. I shed a few happy tears.

I know my pre-appointment mantra had nothing to do with the amazing aspirate results. But I also appreciate that I’ve spent too much time thinking about how to handle the worst-case scenario. As I waited for Mabel’s appointment and the results, it was much easier to enjoy the moments I had right then and there rather than trouble myself over tomorrow’s potential problems.

So, if you’re trying not to be a worry wart as much as I am, I offer this: no matter whether you’ve got not-great stuff going on, nothing seems to change, or if you’re blessed to be in a beautiful place in your life, may you choose love. 

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